I’m surprised I made it to graduation. Ironic how I didn’t even attend the graduation ceremony. I’m just surprised I made it. To be honest, I thought I would’ve dropped out and find a different path or just no longer be on this planet by now. It’s weird to say that I graduated and I honestly have no idea what to do with myself. I have experienced my highest high and lowest low while being in college. And it’s weird to say that this chapter in my life is now closed. I’m the one fully in control of my life and what I want to do. It’s terrifying to know that there’s no booklet or instruction manual telling me what to do next. I know I’m supposed to find a job in my field, so that my degree won’t go to waste; but I would be lying if I said I know 100% what it is I want to do. I’m not sure what I studied is going to make me happy or fulfill me like it used to. I’m at a lost. Why didn’t anybody warn me how truly terrifying this shit is?
I know graduating from college is supposed to be a big deal but it just doesn’t seem like that to me. It just seems like another thing I did. Maybe it’s because it took me so much longer to get my degree than any of my friends. I graduated 1.5 years after all my friends did. And I know that this isn’t a race or anything, but it made me feel like shit. It honestly did. If my friends could do it, why couldn’t I? My fear of falling behind came true. Expectations were set and I didn’t meet them. It fucking sucked. I would tell you my secret to getting past it but I don’t have one. You just get up in the morning and you just keep going, cause if you don’t - you’ll fall behind even more. That was the mentality I had and still do. It’s something I’m working on.
My graduation day was spent quietly with my friends - taking photos, lunch at Sugar Fish and dinner at LaoJie Hotpot. I deliberately chose not to go to the graduation ceremony because apparently, my school doesn’t even let their student walk. So instead of making my parents take a day off work to sit there for hours listening to people they don’t know give speeches in a language they don’t understand, I thought it would be better to just skip the whole thing. I didn’t have a traditional college experience, why go to a traditional graduation ceremony? I said “fuck it, I’m just going to do me”. And that’s the mentality I need to take with me during the next phase in my life. College - you will not be missed.
